Ever since this song dropped, I couldn’t fathom the words how will I describe it, and then I came to realize — because it is me. It’s what I truly feel. I felt the song to be internal chaos and thoughts are scattered everywhere, it’s a feeling of not being lost, but instead of being confused as to which path we’ll take.
Most often, these feelings of confusion led us to the thought that we are lost, however sometimes, we are not. We are not lost but instead, we are afraid to know the risks we have to take and have taken so moving furthermore scares us.
Suga is my subconscious, if he is going to be a part of me, he’s the part of myself which I constantly shrug off and don’t acknowledge. These are my weakest points. That’s why most often, I get a lot of strength from his songs which I didn’t even know because his songs speak to my repressed emotions — I come back to them all the time.
“I’ve been trying all my life, to separate the time, in between having it all and giving it up” — the line that most pained me. I wanted to have it all, do everything I can do. I always believed that we all have 24/7, and that, for me, is the only fair thing in this world. So I tend to be living my 24/7 in whatever I knew I can do most, but the more I do it, the more it exhausts me. This made me just want to leave it.
“I wonder what’s in store, If I don’t love it anymore” this is rather a chaos myself has gotten into. A chaos that’s hard to describe. And this literally scares me every time — what if, I don’t love the things that I’ve always wanted. And what if, I changed again in the middle? Like Suga said “keeping dreams as dreams would be better”. Would it be better if these dreams are just dreams?
As much as possible, I want to have my life planned out. I’m the person who chooses to spend time planning for options A to Z instead of just grabbing the wheel because I don’t want this life to surprise me. If A doesn’t work, I have until Z and if I ran out of options, I’ll make a new one. That’s who I know I am. But during the times of uncertainty where even my plans shake, my subconscious tells me to just row the boat even without a map. This is one thing this song gave me — “it’s honestly different to the future I had hoped for, it doesn’t matter, now it’s a matter of survival, however it goes, it doesn’t matter”.
Suga is the part of me that I have explored but turn a blind eye because it is not the person I think I am, to easy reference, my shadows. I have by then switched my Twitter user name to this, maybe beginning of me, learning how these can co-exist.
Suga’s interlude is my interlude. It’s more of a pit stop rather than a pause to recognize the self I have always been shrugging, the dreams I didn’t acknowledge because I thought of having something more. It’s a space where I can breathe in between, or switch feelings from the person I thought I am to the person I constantly ignore.