Today, I went back to school after being excused for almost 3 weeks due to Covid-19, and even if I’m still being excused, I decided to join the class to not miss anything before our final examinations in two weeks.
I am 28 years old, an only child. Some of my family members looked up to me for I was a consistent honor student before and that made me a flesh treasure of my parents. I hadn’t felt any pressure coming from anyone but myself. I wanted to be a million things in this world.
I am a normal girl with also the same 24 hours a day. I managed two online shops with the intention of adding one. I have a full-time job and I have side work as a writer (because I love writing), and is currently in school to become a lawyer. It really is exhausting but if I had nothing, I won’t have something to look forward to. I am aware that not all people are lucky enough to have the resources to become anyone they wanted even if they have 24 hours a day too. But as long as we are trying our best gradually, in any way, to be someone we hoped to become, life will be good as it is.
Why am I saying this? Because sometimes your life flashes in front of you. We survived covid. It was a distress. The emotional and physical exhaustion is no joke while counting the days to finally get to the “safe” zone and breathe a sigh of relief. The thought of dying scared me, to be honest. But one thing I learned from it is, dying scared me because I know there are so many things I haven’t done yet, so many things I haven’t said.
There are so many things I haven’t even started doing, dreams I haven’t even grabbed yet. My professor told me that she’s happy I didn’t drop her subjects despite the turmoil the situation has probably brought me and told me that she’s willing to help me if I needed assistance as long as I WANT TO DO IT. My block mates offered their notes and my friends offered their help to assist me in my shops. I have figured that my dreams aren’t just mine to build, but also the people around me.
BTS (yeah, I know), have inspired me to be anyone I want and loved to be. And with that journey I have learned to always tell myself, if I have to choose between two things, with everything that I have, I’d choose both. And I will tell my friends the same thing too — that they can be anyone they want in this world, but that doesn’t mean they can just choose one. Some people ask me “how do I do it?” and I also don’t know because I have lapses too. But one thing I know is that I will worry more about if I hadn’t done it than the exhaustion itself. That’s why I started writing again to build up that space where I can gather my physical exhaustion into words and take a rest so I can continue.
I am still scared of uncertainty, but I finally figured that it is scarier to have regrets because no matter how many people got you in the end, time won’t come back. Our body has limits, and so is time. It can always flash like thunderbolts and the next thing you knew, it's gone.
It is okay to take our time, but let’s not take too long. Because life won’t wait for us and this world won’t stop if we cease to exist. We’re all just a speck of dust in thin air. But be a speck of dust that sparkles when it's time. This world is a scary place. Surround yourself with people that make it less scary. Do what you can while you can. I am also a believer of anyone has their own timeline, but I also believe that constant efforts must be made in between.
If I were to die in between, I’d probably be 60% satisfied with my life. I have done everything I can up to this moment, but I still have a lot more. I will not push myself to its limits, but instead, I’ll remind myself that it's scarier to have regrets than face the uncertainty that I know I can still change in the end. This will help me take that one leap, instead of flipping my coin. Because we know what we want, we just wanted an assurance even from a coin because that 5 seconds it flings in the air, is our time to decide. And treat that as your dying moment too, your last chance at life. So instead of wasting my 5 seconds, I’d take that 5 to take a step forward cause I might lose the path in 6 seconds too. I heard people die in a blink of an eye, and if I were to die in between those seconds, I want to die moving forward taking my courage with me, so even the people I’ll leave behind will remember those few steps I made.
I will always be scared but my thoughts have become clearer. And I hope someone who reads this, will have clarity and courage too.
These are my own thoughts and experiences and do not reflect anybody else.
